Thursday, May 31, 2007

Another Day

Stress goes straight to my neck;
muscles seizing,
grasping at themselves, so
each new grip, just
binds them tighter,
heat builds up,
throbbing, and kicking at shoulder joints.

Frustration and pain.
God Damnit, exhale,
Slow breath.

I massage at them
trying to relax the muscles.

My head's held at an angle,
hand massaging rebelious neck muscles,
into submission,
grimace on face,
beard long in front,
balding head cut close,
eyes intense,
marching down the
quiet white halls
of wherever i work.

I look out from my angry
frustrated head;
the world is askew.
I'm looking for some way that
it will change.
A way the future will make it
better, easier to bear,
more tolerable.

I want to have time alone,
to think,
to be at peace for extended periods of the day,
to write,
to study,
to create something
for people like me.

I keep looking,
but the older I get,
the less hopeful
it looks,
that there is anything but
more daily suffering,
not understood
by those who appear to
feel good today.

I can't appear to
feel any way other than i do.
Its a failing of mine,
this involutary honesty.
I often wonder,
how many people
walking, these same white office hallways,
feel the way I do
but never show it,
never let on?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Every Fifteen Minutes

I'm drinking good wine,
listening to excellent music,
and reading a low quality, high satisfaction novel
for five minutes, every fifteen minutes.

I'm playing with writing
nine minutes of every fifteen minutes.

I'm drinking a truly kind tea,
and looking at a bonsai
that I will eventually
until is thrown onto the compost heap
one minute every fifteen minutes.

Friday, May 18, 2007

a good morning

I'm up today. Why? No idea.

I whistled this morning. I feel like smiling for no reason. Its great but I don't trust it. You can't trust these kind of things. Enjoy them when they come but I don't try to attribute cause anymore.

Its biochemical and the worst thing I could do is think I was feeling so up for a causal reason, that I can directly control. Same goes for when I'm down. There are causes and there are reasons but none should be addressed when in effect. Let it pass and then you can trust your judgment. No matter whether its up or down, the thing I keep reminding myself of is this, it will pass, and there is nothing to be done or not done to keep it that way forever... along that path lies madness and a severe mental break (not the little rests).

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Significant portion of what you do

A few weeks ago I turned down the best job that I have ever been offered, at least if you quantify it by the measure of the middle managers: Head count and authority. I turned it down. It was a hard decision. I knew what most people I knew would do, but I did not do that - that in itself is difficult. I turned it down. Why? That is hard to answer. I did not want the effect the job would have on my life. I did not want the life style that comes with that type of position. I did not want to be changed by that job. Remember, you are what you do, and what you do from work is a significant portion of what you do. My goals for myself are higher than that job. Some friends think my goals must be lower than that job to turn it down, but they are higher - much higher.