Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Attractive and Playful Ghosts

It gets harder and harder for me to make phone calls
Non daily social interaction is difficult
It has nothing to do with those others
those who I would call
those who I think about calling
but don't.
It has everything to do with
my mental state
and I'm not talking about depression
or something like that.
In a way its positive,
it feels positive.
I'm pulled, away from some things
and drifting ever closer to
something central.
Several times a day I wish
I could focus my thoughts
on certain topics,
but I have to bend them back to work
and the people around me.
I can't give them up
or they won't give up on me,
either way,
they plague me like
attractive and playful ghosts.
I want to go and live with them;
not forever
not even for that long
a year
maybe two.
And when I come back
when I reemerge
I can make those phone calls
and assure my loved ones that
my feelings and thoughts were never far away from them
I just had to go somewhere,
a small journey.
I'm not sure how long I will wait,
as long as I can I guess.
From the outside I will
have merely reduced my social
circle to my wife and daughter
and maybe an occasional visit
with a local friend.
From the outside I will look far away
or maybe withered and drawn
but it will just be the stress of the work
the travel
the playful and unrelenting
thoughts that tease at me
and pull at me.
is difficult when I truly want
to receive what they have for me.
There is nothing supernatural here,
I just don't have the words to express
what I struggle with
on a daily basis.
It wears on me.
I hope it makes me stronger,
so that all the resisting
and waiting will give me
the strength and patience I will
need when I finally and fully engage.
I just hope its worth it,
that what I bring back will
help others forgive me for the length
of the journey, and for not being
there during the long deployment.
I worry that no one will understand me
when I return and what I have will
sit on a shelf
and wait for someone
who is ready
to find it.
That would be an unkind fate,
but my fate is my nature,
so my worry changes nothing.
Even now, after saying all this,
I can just let my mind drift a bit and
I'm there
with the lights of thought
the puzzles that haven't been worked
and the warmth in my
chest that says
its good.

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