Monday, March 17, 2008

Arena Decisions

I have to think about the future
as something worth experiencing

I decide to live this life,
every day.

I must feel like today,
(the suffering
the frustration
the waste)
is building,
to a life worth living,
to a series of days worth risking
for another.

Each day its thumbs up
or down, like an emperor
at the finish of
combat, a decision must be made
I put down the wine glass
and decide.

The mob has not always supported my decision
but mostly the throng cheers.
I remember those responses
and vote again,
thumbs up
spare him,
thumbs up
let him have another shot
at glory.

One of the most powerful
counters to suicide
that I have found
is the conception
if you are going to kill yourself
then you should really try out
some really radical stuff first.

If you are already going to end it
why not try out all sorts of different angles first?
It could be interesting,
could be a good time,
could make life worth living.

There is no real risk
when you don't want to keep
what you have

Kill your life
before you kill your self.
Kill your life style
and be reborn
make a new one
try it out
who gives a shit
your going to kill yourself anyway
why not check out all the perspectives

Before you die,
why not become a pot head
why not loose yourself to
science fiction novels
why not eat only the tastiest foods
why not take up smoking
why not


Paint a canvas
a spreadsheet
a day dream
a bullet list
with every extreme form of living
that you can imagine
everything that
sounds worth it
everything that
sounds interesting enough to live through it

Assign values between one and twenty
to each item
make sure you name a few

Numbers 1 through five
go to dedicated stoner
and occasional poet,
six and seven go to perpetual student,
eight through 12 go to extreme Montana loner
lost in books and thought,
13 goes to making music,
14 goes to painting,
15 through 19 go to writing
intelligent software,
20 I'm leaving open

When you feel
like change is required
when cutting
when violent drunks
and desperate usage
grows within you
when it swells
when it calls
and says NOW

Roll a twenty sided dice
-go buy one-
you have already decided what extreme
choices sounded best
you wrote your note
never want to make that list in the moment
can't trust emotions so much
that type of trust often leads to the need
to force change
better to let a list
of crossed off items be your testament
your note
your reason

not that one is required

Roll the dice
when you must,
and if the first roll
hits twenty,
if the time is now,
roll again
and let that number seal your fate
let all the force
of your need
to escape, follow the roll
give it up
let it go
you are done with now
and you have chosen

if it doesn't work out
mark it off the list
and wait until you
must roll

End your life
before it kills you.

There is no better
depressing music
than that depressing music
first found in college.

After college
most people know better
than to bond with depressing music
-it didn't really pay off-
so college music remains
the soundtrack of down drunks
and late night despondency
well into old age.

She was the first
to make me question survival
and I go back to her
when I feel especially tired.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry.