What to write…
I feel that I should write something.
Some record of my moment.
I'm at a crossroads. A moment of decision presents itself and there is nothing to be done but to decide. I called my most trusted friend. My phone died before we could converse to a conclusion or as near to as friend conversation brings such internal struggles.
Now I just want to sleep. Scotch has dulled my wits and made me ready to forget. The problem is that the forgetfulness of scotch is temporary and upon the next wake up the unresolved issues will remain and more than remain, they will demand attention again. Scotch is no escape.
I doubt much of my conversation as diversion from the main topic. I doubt my rational. I doubt myself.
What rational could make my life sensible? Who could ever have sympathy with me? I look to forsake what the world values in favor of what it does not understand. To choose a path that is hard to understand is to choose to be an outsider, a voluntary minority.
I must live, and not die. I must choose life. I must choose a life that I can find livable. What else can I do?
I have been wrong so many times before. I have chosen to miss out on the lives of my friends and family, I have chosen my appetites, my predispositions.
I wish to say nothing other than I am becoming. I know that I am slow. Others have realized life before me, and have embraced meaningful living when I have not. I am not sure I can ever assimilate to their decisions, even if I envy their positions.
I can say that I act honestly with full understanding of my risk and potential of failure. I can say this but I say it with an internal chorus of contempt.
I was never taught how to live. I was never shown how to accept life. I have been fighting to find a balance. I claim progress in this. Not much maybe, but some, some real measurable progress. I have not lived in vain. I have made some headway in the act of living.
This dialog wants a conclusion, a resolution, but none is forthcoming tonight. Tonight scotch will have its way and I will sleep. I will sleep soon. When I awake I will take up again to the yoke that I have accepted and that I will never put down. What more useful way to spend life can I find than loving family and friends? I will do what is in front of me. I will do that which is clear, and put aside that which is not.
This is not a conclusion, although I worry that it is a decision unknown.