Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Old MacDonald

Hearing your wife sing to your daughter in the bath is a pleasure difficult to describe. It is not nearly abstract enough for words.

Try.
Try and explain this pleasure.

Trials will fail in accurate description, and each trial will fade the feeling into distance. Though they do succeed in confirming that this is a fundamental pleasure. Like those tasted, felt or inhaled. This is an atomic unit of what matters, this is an element of well being.

Some days feel thin
As if they are declining towards the end of a novel
Moving away from the climax, towards the finish
Momentum nearly spent, potential emptied into pages
The story is cleaning up loose threads, slowing
until the book is put down
finished

I'm barely holding it together
Running on the bare minimum needed
Thread bare personality
Held together by smoke and hope
Hope that something will change
But why would it?

It won't unless I will it
It won't unless others will it
Why would we will it to change
If I struggle alone
We won't will it
Unless it is more than I
That struggles

I may not make it
I don't feel strong enough
I seem to have misplaced the why
And wherefore of too much
Too many of the tasks needed to make it
No longer even sure what I was trying to do
Who made the check list in the first place
How did I get here
And which direction was I proceeding in
Before I woke up
confused

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm time crippled
I used to be able to study and push forward with my career
Now I can barely keep the fuck up
I'm barely treading water
And the things about myself and my life that I used to value
Are falling apart and by the way side
My family is taking so much of my time that I have crumbs left
Crumbs are not what I used to value and pride myself in
I wonder if I can salvage anything of my previous life
I wonder if I can have a life that I can understand
I've lost my freedom to be myself
Because it takes something that I no longer have
I don't know how to live like this
And I'm not sure anyone actually cares enough
To give me back enough of what was taken
To make a difference
I've lost what made my life work

I like poetry that is
Honest
But that seems the hardest to come by
Like songs
You can relate to
Or movies that
Have something to say

Pub Pretending (old habit)

Since I'm drinking a pint
I had cigarette
Old habit
On its way out
But slow
I'm not sure if its holding on
Or I am

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Pub Pretending (free time)

I get so little free time
that when it comes I don't do much
I smoke and drink
and let my mind wander about bumping into things
New thoughts
and old half chewed ideas
Walls, both self erected and preexisting
Lots of half empty glasses left
scattered
around my pretend pub
I never stay for long, but I always have a drink.
My free time,
Always brief
Always unexpected
Always welcome.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Pub Pretending (duane)

I wonder what Duane is doing
Right now
As I pour this second pint
Further pub pretending
Is he drinking too
Is he smoking too
Maybe he's driving around pretending
Something altogether different
Than I am
I wonder where
his thoughts are concluding.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Power Tool

I tell my daughter to be patient

To practice being patient

But its hard for her

Its hard to be patient

And based on my own daily difficulty

I'm not sure how much practice helps

But I hope she is better than me

Elevated, new and improved

I hope she will find patience

A comfortable tool

Thursday, September 24, 2009

"Engineers are all basically high-functioning autistics who have no idea how normal people do stuff."
Cory Doctorow

Pub Pretending (familiar abandon)

How familiar beer is
To the creative process
How intimate smoking is
to moments given over
To new understandings
Brought forward
And up, out of the cave
And into consciousness
Excess and abandon
Accompany creation
Of many types
And styles.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Good intentions also form bad habits

Friday, September 18, 2009

I Recharge When Alone.

People tire me.
Yes, even you
wonderful though you are.
I tire and need to recharge.
I can not do this when you
or anyone else
is around.

Solitude:
I need it like air, water, or food.
Deprivation leaves me weak and stumbling
desperate, gasping.
Effects onset quickly
internally, within a week
physically, within a month

Remember,
I recharge without you.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Pub Pretending (that feeling)

The only divining I do is for
Inspiration, for natural expression,
For that feeling
When a new idea is understood
When a new poem is written
When a line of thought
Catches my attention and leads
Me running from thought to thought
For no reason, no purpose
Running for the feel of it.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Caring for Your Introvert

Three interesting links about introverts written for others.

Caring for Your Introvert
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

On Introversion
http://www.terra.es/personal/asstib/articulos/perso/perso2.htm

The Nerd Handbook
http://www.randsinrepose.com/archives/2007/11/11/the_nerd_handbook.html

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Nature is Good

My name is Extra Gravy
And I'm an introvert.
This is my nature.
I am not broken.
I do not need to change.
I do not need to be more
like you.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Moderate Self Examination

A wise predecessor has said that an unexamined life is not worth living. I would add that a life over examined is not being lived at all. As is often the case, moderation, even in self examination, is generally more appropriate than abstinence or excess.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Note To Self: Avoid Narrow Minded People

When I hear someone use the term "sheeple" I understand that they have a Boolean view of the situation their remarks concern. To the speaker there are two sides to the conflict, the independent minded side (i.e. that of the speaker) and the side that is being controlled by some opposing power and not thinking for themselves.

There is no point in engaging in dialog with a person while they are in this mental configuration. Either side of their dichotomy they place you on will be fruitless. They are prepared for declarative communication only, with the purpose of self reinforcement. There is no chance at discovery or productive dialog with this speaker. It is recommended to disengage as quickly and reasonably as possible.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Scenic Lookout

Subdued
And slightly depressed
Tired
And a little desperate
To rest
To gain some perspective
I'm not sure I want to be doing this
But I'm so busy
How will I know
How will I find the time
To step back and know what I want
To do
To be

Friday, September 11, 2009

For Pleasure

One of the better things about poetry
Is that a poem can be a pleasure to write
Even when it is less than pleasurable to read

This may take the reader a long way
To understanding why I keep writing
When others do not keep reading

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Pub Pretending (moment of freedom)

I'm sitting in my kitchen
pretending it’s a pub

With canned Guinness
popped and poured
into each pint glass

With music playing
louder than normal
(for the kitchen)

All while the girls
have gone swimming
(for an hour or two)

Briefly leaving a window open
leaving my will free to wander
free to find its own direction

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

First Four Steps

Step One: Allow alien race to "discover" your presence at the extreme limit of their observational capacity. This should be done in such a way as to ensure maximum general penetration.


Step Two: Wait a generation

Step Three: Communicate with the alien race in a way that is at the extreme limit of their ability to decipher. This should be done in such a way as to ensure maximum general penetration.

Step Four: Wait a generation

Constrained

I was bored this weekend
On several occasions
I am never bored
(99.9999% uptime)
Unless I'm constrained
And I was
I was constrained to
A high degree
Left with little room to
Make choices of my own
And my time was pre-spent
Of course remaining constrained
Was a choice made and remade
The right one, true
But hard

Monday, September 07, 2009

I saw this verse today and found it refreshing to hear a reasonable sentiment coming from a deolater holy book that I could morally support.

-

Proverbs 31:6-7 (NIV)

6 Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;

7 let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Response to an email

If there had been more I would have kept reading. I would have kept reading, absorbed, feeling, lost from what I would flee. I would have kept reading for a couple of hours until the bratwurst was crackling, until my stomach was pleading. I would have kept reading until concrete experience pulled me away with its rough thick hands.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Between two rational choices

There is often no rational compromise

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Quality vs. Novelty

Eat the same breakfast every day
Kiss the same lips every morning
Shave then shower
Read your favorite book again
Look at your favorite painting
Each night after drinking

Listen to albums held up as quality
For longer than you've been alive
Read books written long before the printing press
Each copy, hand produced,
Stamps of quality in the long effort spent

Our lives are short, and
Little is left to us once duty
has taken her share, so
Invest your mind in deep quality
Place the majority of your bets
in proven returns.

Loose faith in the value of new
By renewing your trust in
Routine and personal
daily ritual
By renewing your love of
Proven quality and value
That can be relied upon
To deliver
Time and
Time again.

The new is a temptation to place value
Without any reason but hope.
The new should be seen clearly
And this often requires a
Retreat from marketing
And sales efforts
The pushers of the new
For the sake of consuming
The new.

Retreat and clear your mind.
See the new for what it is
An occasional benefit
A necessary aspect of the world
But not its luminary star
Not the center of value
Not the warm bright
Beating heart of what can
Drive us forward.

I'm still retreating
Into perspective
Still wondering
How long it will take to see the new
In a clear and un-marketed light.

Until I have perspective
I will trust to moderation
And assume that the new
Is unhealthy in both excess
and absence.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Thoughts Before a Meeting

I'm agitated
Irritable
Ready to check out
before I have to hear
another business man's pitch
Smiling, always smiling
always seeking to use you
for his benefit, to profit
from your trust,
weakness, or ignorance,
To bleed you just a bit
If he can
If you will let him
All the time smiling
Waiting for your defenses to come down
Maybe you'll see him as a friend
some one you can trust
Then his wait is over and he can
Do business.